You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Dean Martin

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Oscar Wilde

I drink to make other people interesting.

Groucho Marx

The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence, and obsolescence.

Art Linkletter

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

Anonymous

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Ernest Hemingway

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

Anonymous

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Ernest Hemingway

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Anonymous

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields

The best way to behave is to misbehave.

Mae West

If we'd only stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.

Edith Wharton

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.

Rich Kulawiel

Don't let a man put anything over on ya, 'cept an umbrella.

Mae West

Question: Do married people live longer?
W. C. Fields: No, it just seems longer.

I drink therefore I am.

W. C. Fields