When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

Elizabeth Taylor

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

W. C. Fields

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think: 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'.

Jerry Seinfeld

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

Tiger Woods

In a nutshell, just be good and kind to your children, because not only are they the future of the world, but they are the ones who can eventually sign you into the home.

Dennis Miller

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Woody Allen

You go to heaven... God sneezes... What do you say?

Peter Houppermans

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

Henry Kissinger

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Rodney Dangerfield

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

W. C. Fields

I would have made a good Pope.

Richard M. Nixon

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Dustin Hoffman

Groucho Marx: So, Mrs Smith, do you have any children?
Mrs Smith: Yes, thirteen.
Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
Mrs S: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while