I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriage is a wonderful institution... if, of course, you like living in an institution.

Groucho Marx

Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

Winston Churchill

To err is human, but it feels divine.

Mae West

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Rodney Dangerfield

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

Mark Twain

Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.

Robert A. Heinlein

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

If pregnancy were a book they would cut out the last two chapters.

Nora Ephron

On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.

Bruce Willis

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

Mark Twain

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Groucho Marx

When I eventually met Mr Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Rita Rudner