Get your facts first, then you can distort them as much as you please.

Mark Twain

Always be smarter than the people that hire you.

Lena Horne

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin

A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

Bill Cosby

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Mae West

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

F. P. Jones

I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.

Alfred Hitchcock

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Garrison Keilor

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

W. C. Fields

Her kisses left something to be desired; the rest of her.

George Carlin

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas Edison

Anything worth having is worth cheating for.

W. C. Fields

I have everything I had twenty years ago - except that it is now all lower.

Gypsy Rose Lee

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Anonymous

My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading.

Steve Jobs