Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Anonymous

 

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

W. C. Fields

 

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

W. C. Fields

 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Redd Foxx

 

Often it seems a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

Mark Twain

 

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

Anonymous

 

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

Robert Frost

 

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

A Bit of Fry and Laurie

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.

David Daye

 

My favorite animal is steak.

Fran Lebowitz

 

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Frank Zappa

 

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come home.

Bill Cosby

 

It is only the learned who care to learn, the ignorant who prefer to teach.

Edouard Le Berquier

 

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Henry David Thoreau

 

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That’s why I never take baths.

Steven Wright

 

I’ve been things and done places.

Mae West